Dear Friend: A Letter on Motherhood, Guilt, and Purpose

Dear Friend,

This is the very first time that I am asking something of you before you read the following words. My request is simply this - if you choose to read further, please commit yourself to reading to the end.

Now that we have that settled, we may continue together.

“I think I should rearrange my schedule for more time to do housework in the mornings, I seem to get more of it done then.” I say this to my husband on a Monday morning after powering through a multitude of household tasks, and he smiles and nods, “Yes, I have noticed the same! Good idea!”

He is familiar with my pattern.

Motivated, driven, vacuuming daily. Then slowly, it slips. The laundry piles up. The bathrooms need cleaning. I feel overwhelmed. The motivation has all dried up. We spend the morning digging through laundry baskets for a shirt to match the baby's pants.

I confess this now, publicly to all who read these words - I have not mastered my home.

But here are the thoughts that keep coming back to me.

One author shares a reply to someone’s question, “Don’t you ever take a day off?” after she has just shared her weekly routine on an Instagram story. She tells them with grace, “This is the job I’ve been given to do, and I take it seriously.”

It stings a little, but I find it stirring.

I must own this same perspective because I know it is true. Why, though, do I feel the struggle?

Perhaps because the culture tells me that simply being a mom is hard enough work, my best hope is to barely survive.

Perhaps because my own body sometimes tells me it's so tired, and my brain is foggy from lack of sleep. There is grace for these days, but it does not need to dictate my overall perspective on the situation.

Perhaps because within the Christian community, the Proverbs 31 woman is mocked and explained away - “That’s not attainable, so please don’t try.”

But then another line from another author I esteem comes to mind. She shares the concept of mom guilt, and she dares to poke at the idea that not all mom guilt is meant to be shrugged off or sympathized with. Perhaps some of that guilt might be there to lead us to repentance and a more excellent way, and perhaps it’s not all from the pit of hell? (Though there is that as well to sort through.)

It stings a little, but I know deep down just exactly what she is talking about.

Right now, as I write this, my home is not in order.

I finally bit the bullet and folded the three baskets of laundry that I had hidden under a table when company came for dinner the other night. (If I dare to write the words I share here, then I must commit to the very fullest transparency on the topic.)

But I am unsettled right now. There is guilt that I need to repent of, not shrug off.

I have not been operating with the belief that this home has been given to me to use for the glory of God and the good of my family. It’s not perfection that I must attain, but neglecting the tasks that will serve my family well should not be tolerated in my life.

I understand the contrast this brings to the culture's message. I understand just exactly why I would like to argue it away, but I also know that there is great joy in living diligently and pursuing a more excellent way.

I am guilty, and it’s the kind of guilt that can lead me to repentance, that can lead me to a greater intimacy with my Father and a greater dependence on Him to fill up within me what is lacking.

And here is something that we all like to squirm a bit over and perhaps shove to the side. (Perhaps now is when you might want to close out this window and move on with your day? Remember our promise, friend.)

It is a biblical concept (and well tested in culture?) that those with idle hands are more prone to bringing destruction.

The word idle is seldom dared to be used in the world of motherhood, and rightfully so. But hear me out on this.

We, as mothers, can be very busy, but our busyness does not always have a purpose behind it, and we are worse off for it.

We have much to do, but we turn to distractions instead.

We have much to do, but we have no goal in sight.

We have much to do, but we don’t consider how we are doing it.

We have much to do, and the much to do will never end, so we, in turn, begin to loathe it.

But consider the thought I shared earlier - the one from the author I have come to love. “This is a task I have been given to do, and therefore I take it seriously.”

What does it look like for me to take this job seriously? Perhaps similarly to how I would treat a 9-5 job. Perhaps as if it actually mattered? Perhaps as if people will be affected by how I complete it?

We were created to cultivate. It’s a way we reflect our good and gracious God who brought about this whole world with great purpose and intention from the very beginning.

So what is it that we are cultivating? How do we, as keepers of our home, take this role seriously and give it our all?

Would it not serve us well to think of the end goal?

Would it not serve us well to cast a vision and find tangible ways to remind us of that vision?

Would it not serve us well to link arms with one another and walk in this purpose together?

The truth of the matter is, there is an opportunity to find great fulfillment in the work of our homes, but we must do the work of finding our purpose within it in order to find that fulfillment that we were made to experience.

There is also a sad consequence to neglecting to cultivate this role, and that is what is referred to here in the book of 1 Timothy: “For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies.”

The NASB says it this way: “Some among you are leading an undisciplined life.”

Busybody: to bustle about uselessly, to busy one's self about trifling, needless, useless matters.

It would seem that if we do not do the work of finding purpose within our God-given roles, we will be prone and tempted to become very busy with the things that do not matter.

So then I invite this thought, could it be that the Proverbs 31 woman was a picture from our good and gracious God, who also promises to supply everything we need for life and godliness, of what a woman fulfilled in her God-given purpose truly looks like?

Rather than a trudgery, what if her way is the way to life?

It’s not about perfection, remember. We were never given the command to cultivate picture-worthy spaces (though how often does that become our chief goal?). We were given the task of caring well for the needs of our family and providing a home that can bring our God glory.

What does that mean for you in this season? This is what I am asking myself.

If you have kept your promise and read to the very end, first off, thank you. Second, I would welcome your thoughts on this.